Assertiveness & Boundaries

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Why it works

Assertiveness, communicating your needs, opinions, and limits clearly, honestly, and respectfully, sits between passivity (not standing up for yourself) and aggression (steamrolling others), and it is a crucial social-emotional and relationship skill that many students lack. Students who cannot be assertive may be taken advantage of, go along with things they do not want, bottle up resentment, or swing to aggression; those who learn assertiveness and healthy boundaries can express themselves, say no, resist peer pressure, advocate for their needs, and maintain respectful relationships. Teaching it means helping students understand the difference between passive, aggressive, and assertive, giving them language and strategies (I-statements, saying no respectfully, setting and holding boundaries), and practicing in realistic situations. It serves both their wellbeing and their relationships.

The research: SEL; research on assertiveness training.

The run-of-show

Choose your slot. The agenda, timings, and length update to match.

The core activity: teach assertiveness and boundaries

Teachers leave teaching assertiveness with strategies and practice.

Help students understand the difference between passive, aggressive, and assertive.
Give them language and strategies (I-statements, saying no respectfully, setting and holding boundaries).
Practice assertiveness in realistic situations (peer pressure, conflict, advocating for a need).
Connect it to both self-respect and respect for others.

Honest and respectful, not passive or aggressiveAssertiveness, expressing needs and limits honestly and respectfully, lets students stand up for themselves and treat others well. Teach the difference, give strategies, and practice.

Facilitator notes

Distinguish passive, aggressive, assertive.
Teach language and strategies (I-statements, saying no, boundaries), and practice realistically.
Connect to self-respect and respect for others.

Students who can't be assertive get run over or blow upLacking assertiveness, students go along with what they don't want or swing to aggression. Teach assertiveness and healthy boundaries, honest and respectful.

Adapt it

Elementary: passive/aggressive/assertive, saying no, I-statements.
Secondary: boundaries, peer pressure, advocating, respectful.
All settings: distinguish the three, strategies, practice.

Participant handout

One page for every teacher. Print it, or save it as a PDF.

K12 Academics · Professional Learning

Assertiveness & Boundaries: honest and respectful

Between passive and aggressive: distinguish the three, teach I-statements and boundaries, and practice realistically.

How I help students distinguish passive, aggressive, and assertive:
The language and strategies I teach (I-statements, saying no, boundaries):
How I have students practice in realistic situations:
How I connect it to self-respect and respect for others:
A situation to practice:

Make it stick

Honest and respectful:

Teach assertiveness and boundaries.
Practice realistically.
Bring an assertiveness lesson to the next PLC.

Common questions

Isn't being assertive the same as being aggressive?

No. Assertiveness is expressing needs, opinions, and limits honestly and respectfully, between passivity (not standing up for yourself) and aggression (steamrolling others). It respects both yourself and others.

Why teach assertiveness?

Students who lack it may be taken advantage of, go along with things they do not want, resist peer pressure poorly, or swing to aggression. Assertiveness lets them stand up for themselves while treating others well.

How do I teach it?

Help students distinguish passive, aggressive, and assertive; give language and strategies (I-statements, saying no respectfully, setting boundaries); and practice in realistic situations.